Perforate
by TheMaraudersProngs
Summary: *this is written about a headcanon that a friend and I have together, so you most likely won't get half of the things that are going on. still angsty though


"Fiendfyre." The flames shot from Sirius's wand to the surprise of those around him, and immediately the cloak he had unconsciously aimed it at was alight. The distraction served it's purpose, and he grabbed onto the arms of his two shocked best friends, apparating all three of them away.

He didn't so much as catch a breath after landing with them at his sides, diving forward and pulling out a small trunk from under the low double bed. James took a step forward, the greying floorboards creaking under his step, as he looked around the room he had been brought to, and felt almost ill once he recognised it. The dull colours of every square inch of Grimmauld place had always struggled to hold up in Sirius's old room, with the vibrant Gryffindor reds and golds serving as a second wallpaper, as they had been strategically pinned all around to cover anything too dark that the room had come with. But now, they too looked dull, for the colour had faded with years of wear, as the majority of them had been pinned up in the owner's first year of Hogwarts. His jaw ticked, and he walked to Sirius's side, making the decision to ignore where they were standing.

Remus stood, watching from where they had landed in the room, not daring to scan his surroundings. He too knew well enough where they were. "Sirius, what are you doing?" He asked tentatively, aware of the silence he had just broken.

He was throwing posessions into the dusty trunk he had unearthed, a rueful determination on his face.

"Wanna fill us in on what's happening?" James asked, in a flat tone.

This time, it was a crushing silence that followed. Sirius stopped throwing things into the trunk he had balanced before him on a stool, and he clutched a shirt of his in his hands, deliberating in his own head. Remus's hands twitched with the urge to spin Sirius around to face them, as they both stood and awaited a reply, with whatever confused patience they had left.

"I am going away for a few days, to rediscover what side I'm really on." Said Sirius, finally turning to face the other two as he spoke.

And now, more than ever, the silence bore down heavily, and hung in the air for a few seconds. James and Remus both stood staring wordlessly at him.

"You're kidding?" James asked, and the dignified look Sirius gave in return confirmed what James knew prior to asking. "And what if you come to the groundbreaking decision that Tom Riddle is the way to go? What then?"

"I don't know James!" Sirius exclaimed, and James shook his head in return, looking away from them. "Maybe I won't return then, being cooked up too long messed me up." He finished.

"You cant be serious." Remus then said, and Sirius gave him the same look James had received. "Sirius, you've been against your family and all that hate and bigotry ever since you were a child... I dont understand." He cast his eyes over Sirius, as though trying to see something they were all missing. "Don't be with the order. If it makes you unhappy, you don't have to fight with us. But please don't turn against us."

"It's not that, Remus, it's the fact that I can hardly fight for you, or with you, because of big shiny Azkaban. We can't go anywhere without the risk of me getting arrested and handed over to the Dementors." He finished the sentence in a suddenly malicious tone, and he turned back around to his suitcase and threw in the shirt he had been clutching.

James, who Remus had forgotten was even listening, finally spoke again. "So you'd rather put your Azkaban reputation to good use, is it?"

Remus pushed onwards, not allowing time for James's words to sink in.

"Then we'll fight tirelessly to clear your name. I'll go to Voldemort myself, and use a muggle recording device, and catch him admitting you didn't kill a single muggle. I don't care what we have to do, just don't leave." Remus offered, taking a step towards Sirius. "I'll testify under Veritaserum that I saw Pettigrew alive. They can view my memories."

Sirius pondered wordlessly for a moment, before shaking his head slowly. "No... that will only expose us as Animagi, and put out even more information about your being a werewolf. It's not an option." He then looked over his shoulder to face James.

"And what is that Azkaban reputation according to you, mate?" Sirius asked, and Remus had to retrace the conversation back to the last time James had offered his input. He nearly opened his mouth to intervene, but James drew himself up to his full height and cut accross him.

"I don't have a clue, but you seem to think that letting it shine through is a better idea than working around it, for some incomprehensible reason." Sirius's eyes narrowed, and he opened his mouth to retort, but James cut in again. "You don't know what it's like, watching you walk and talk like your fucking mother, like we just did. And you want to consider making it a reality? Making Sirius Black, Pureblood Deatheater, a reality? No, mate, I'm not having it. Do what you want but dont expect me to try keep up with it. You're on your own."

"James..." Remus began, but he found he didn't have anything to follow it.

Sirius turned back to his trunk and started to shuffle through it again. "I'm not..." he muttered, and James muttered bitterly.

"Have fun fucking off to wherever on your journey of all-righteous self discovery." He said coldly. "I'm going home."

Remus looked at him with dismay. "James, come on..." But he shook his head, looking anywhere but his two friends. He turned to Sirius, who was continuing to pack, even if he was doing so with less confidence than before. "I really don't know what to say anymore."

"It's all you can do... leaving me to fend on my own..." Sirius muttered, quietly, but openly all the same. James's face contorted with anger, but before he got the chance to explode again, Remus silenced him by cutting in first.

"If you're going to discover whether you're going to be a deatheater or not, then yes!" The shuffling sounds of packing away clothes stopped.

"I just lived my worst fucking nightmare! You calling me a half breed, a monster!"

"It wasn't my fault!"

"Do you know what my boggart was, when it wasn't the full moon?" James stood by, watching and considering stepping in. "THAT! AND YOU DID IT!"

"I know that wasn't your fault, I understand." He said, after a momentary silence. "But now, you going off on this journey, to discover if THAT is what you want to be?! Of course we won't just stand by and do nothing."

"I'm NOT! I just need to get free from these fucking chains!" Sirius retorted. Whatever patience he had for this attacking was being slowly leached out of his system. "We're not 16 anymore! We haven't got our entire lives ahead of us anymore, we're living it! And I'm not prepared to live it holed up."

Remus stared at him calculatingly, but James gave no cooldown time, and showed little to no remorse at this point. "So this is what you choose as your midlife crisis? Fucking off into the world for a bit of freelancing?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. "You seem to have all the answers, don't you?"

"I have all the answers to simple questions and this shouldn't be a complicated one to you."

Remus looked from one to the other. "Sirius, you're not just leaving for fun, you're leaving to question what SIDE you're on! Have you hit your head so hard you've forgotten what it is you stand for?"

"Maybe I have!"

Remus's face hardened, and for a moment, he said nothing.

"So you think I'm a filthy half breed, is it?" His voice was dark, and challenging.

"You think Muggleborns have no place in the wizarding world? You think James is a blood traitor?"

"No." He said quietly, his eyes trained on a wall past Remus's head.

"Then where's the questions in your mind?" James interjected. "What about your previous loyalties have shifted about, and they're just not quite as solid as before?"

"I don't know what my purpose is in this loyalty."

Remus's eyes widened, and James scoffed. The annoyance showed on Sirius's face.

"Your purpose is to fight Voldemort's tyranny. So nobody else has to feel as trapped and afraid as you do now, or at least that's what you yourself used to say."

"Are you bored with it?" James asked jeeringly, and Sirius sent him a look from where he stood by Remus, and the half packed trunk.

"I'm not bloody bored with that." He then stared at them both. "I just need some peace, smell the air, walk freely without care."

"You're not the only one."

"Then come with me. Both of you."

For what he thought was a fair suggestion, James's indignant tone told him otherwise immediately. "Don't even try that. I'm not willing to let my guard down. Not ever. Even when Tom Riddle is dead and buried." They both stared intently at him and he pressed on, rounding on Sirius.

"You think I sat around reading newspapers while you sat alone in Azkaban? You think I've had a breezy few years alone to ponder life's questions? It didn't work that way. So don't you say "abandon me like you always do", or some shit like that again." He spat, glaring over at Sirius from across the room. How they had managed to drift so far apart across the room, neither was sure, but none were willing to walk over and bridge the space, which in reality wasn't quite as huge as it felt in the moment.

Remus looked to Sirius quietly, who was returning James's cold stare. "Fine... then don't come."

"I wasn't planning on it."

"Fine." He said, with an air of fake nonchalance.

Remus, who had been absently chewing on his lip for a few moments, drew himself up and looked at Sirius. "I... I'll go, if you want, I'll come with you."

James's glare mingled with his shock, as he turned to Remus who had just taken another step towards Sirius and his trunk. "...What?" He asked slowly.

"I don't want him to be alone. To feel alone. It's the worst thing right now." He protested, gesturing to Sirius.

"You're really doing this, Remus. Really."

"I am, what's so wrong with it?"

"Oh, fuck off. Enjoy your extended honeymoon."

"James, do you really think it's wise to let him go alone? What if he decides his true allegiance is with Voldemort, and there's nobody there to talk him out of it. I can be a positive influence."

"Then what will you do, come back? Join? What will you do if you can't convince him otherwise?"

"Well, not join Voldemort, that's for sure-"

"I WON'T JOIN RIDDLE, for fuck's sake! Stop talking about me as if I'm not in the same room Remus." Sirius shouted, and Remus fell silent for a moment.

Remus sighed. "James was just asking. Suppose I'll just stay quiet, then."

"Might as well be in a different country, that's how distant you're acting." James retorted tacitly. Sirius's head snapped up, for his toleration for snide comments had been worn down efficiently and ruthlessly.

"It's better to act distant than to drop your guard then is it?"

He went rigid, and his fists curled at his sides. "How dare you."

"Go on then... right to the left cheek, it's what you want don't you?"

"Maybe if you beg me, since you so desperately want some way to even the playing field. What was the nickname again? Blood traitor?"

Sirius's jaw clenched, at the repetition of the comment. "...I was not myself."

Remus interrupted, the outrage plainly etched onto his face. "SIRIUS SNAP OUT OF IT! We are your FRIENDS, for Merlin's sake!"

"Please don't yell, Remus." Said Sirius in a dismal tone, and Remus's face fell. He watched helplessly as James opened his mouth again; his rigorous insults were beginning to inject dread into him every time he went to speak.

"Don't try pretend I'm out of line here."

"You actually are." He stared James down with unmatched intensity.

"Am I, now? You think that I should be leaping at the chance to go around with the Marauders, for old time's sakes? Am I ruining this new fantasy you've imagined up here, Sirius?"

There was no buffer, no holding back. He was quick to snap back at James's tone of mockery.

"You know mate it might actually do you some good to get that beard off your cheeks and get on with your life too... she's not coming back."

James's face fell to one of numb rage, and Remus's sharp intake of breath rang through the air. He turned and picked up an ornate box from a table behind him, and without a flicker of hesitation, whirled it across the room at Sirius's head.

He swerved last second, and it hit the wall behind with such force that Remus also lurched to avoid the pieces of gold detailing that rebounded in every direction like vengeful arrows, and the glass that had made up the mirror lining the inside crashed to the floor in a million fragmented pieces. Remus opened his mouth to speak, but only managed a horrified syllable before Sirius spoke over him carelessly.

"Is that all?" His stare was unyielding.

James's chest was rising and falling rapidly. Unblinking, he rose up from the sunken stance his throw had put him in, stepping forward but making no further efforts to get closer, and pointed at Sirius with one hand, his other staying clenched in a fist at his side. "You could run off and join Riddle, and I could give a rat's fucking ass about you, Black, kill the muggles you so desperately want to kill, go torture those Muggleborn witches and wizards, because that was what you were BORN to do. You're finally making mummy proud."

Sirius clenched his jaw again, and Remus looked wordlessly between the two. "Fine, I will, I'll make sure they write about me too, I'll give them something to write about, and have them personally send it to you so you can stay up to date, how generous would that fucking be." he finished his sentiment in a mutter, finally turning and slamming shut his trunk before picking it up.

"He is right about one thing," He said, turning to face the other two once more. "The order just uses people as puppets, and I'm cutting my strings."

"Sirius, don't leave. Let's just all calm down and talk." Remus offered, in a vain attempt at regaining what little control there was to be had on the situation.

"I'm NOT calming down Remus, I did my calming for twelve years." He spat in return.

"Both of you said things that were hurtful but we've been friends since first year! Please don't tell me you're going to throw that friendship away, because of an argument, because Sirius hit his head." he said, his tone aggreived.

"Fuck off, Lupin. Call me when he insults you." James said venomously.

"He DID insult me." He revolved. James again looked elsewhere, and Remus finally threw his hands up in the air.

"Fine then, just insult and push away every single friend you have Sirius, every single person who cares about you. Why should I even give a shit anymore." He said coldly. "I guess I'll just have to raise Teddy on my own while you're fucking off, Merlin knows where." He added, and something flashed over Sirius's hardened expression.

"Be careful, he might find a new shag on his adventures." James added, and Remus's eyes fell.

"I would like to think that's not true. In fact, earlier today I would've argued against it. But I don't even know anymore." He replied, and his eyes went to Sirius, who scoffed.

"Oh of course, I forgot I wasn't a fifteen year old slut who can't keep it in my pants on my way to murder muggles. How are you not getting my thoughts James? I'm not interested in anything, not Riddle's side, not the order's side, not any side, I just need peace, fucking retirement for all I care, and away from hellhole number twelve for starters. Did cyou really think for one second I would join their bloody bigot group?"

"You said you don't know what you stand for anymore, so forgive me for being confused." Remus said sarcastically.

James narrowed his eyes at him. "You could tell me for the rest of your life about how desperately you needed this break, and I'd still not sympathise. Don't YOU get it? It's not easy for anyone, but of course you're the one who has to run away from the responsibilities, and leave others to struggle under it. Nothing ever changes with you, does it?" He replied, his vicious impatience shining through once more.

He dropped the trunk he had so determinedly picked up before. "It's still different for you! You dont have this Black blood boiling in your veins screaming at you along with each portrait to get in line!" His voice had an underlying tone of hysteria to it. "So yes, I do need this, to get back to myself, to get rid of this snake slithering inside of me."

James's gaze dropped from Sirius for a moment, and he distractedly shook his head. "Whatever." he said, and Remus looked at him almost offended. "Have fun on your trip, Sirius, and I'll make sure to put flowers on Lily's grave with your name on them, yeah?" He then apparated away, and Remus gasped softly.

A moment passed, and when he spoke, he was far more reserved. "I understand Sirius. Get called a monster enough times, and you start to believe it. Who would understand more than I? But you have two choices, to stay and fight it, or to leave everything behind. I can't leave because I have to fight for the rights of others like me. I have friends who help me when times get tough, and I have a son who is still growing and needs me. You can choose to run away. I'll be here, I always have been. But don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling alone when you're away. And even more alone when you return. Nobody can wait for you forever."

Sirius was staring absently at the spot where James had been standing, soaking up Remus's words. "...I'm not asking you to wait forever, Remus... I'll be staying at an Inn tonight... staying here will only make it worse." He said slowly, finally drawing his gaze away and looking to the wall, at a lacklustre Gryffindor banner.

"I disagree, but if it's what you want." He replied, with a frigid air about him. "So shall I let Teddy know you won't be around for a while?"

"Remus please, if I say I will be, will you let me go? I need a night alone it's nothing personal."

"Why are you asking permission? I'm your husband, not your parents. You can go wherever you'd like, regardless of my opinions on it."

"It makes me feel a lot better." Sirius said, painfully aware of the childishness. Remus cast him a look, then nodded.

"Go then. I'll be here when you get back, I suppose."

Sirius nodded slowly. "Thanks, I guess."

Remus shrugged. "Yeah well, have a good night."

The silence returned for the first time in what felt like hours. Sirius stepped forward and pulled Remus into a quick tight hug, and Remus, despite his pointedly brisk exterior, fought for composure through it. "I'm sorry... I'll see you in the morning, It's for the best for both that I don't sleep here tonight."

"Yeah, I guess it is. I'll see you in the morning too, Sirius." He replied, taking a step back.

Sirius's eyes met with his, and a moment later Remus was staring at a wall in Sirius's old room. He had apparated to the Inn, and Remus made quick work of getting out of the crushingly lonely company of greying banners.


End file.
